@HenpeckedHal

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

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@krishna_van

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

@fro_vo

imagine not being able to use your imagination.

wrong

@ddsmidt

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

@squirrel74wkgn

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

@ArfMeasures

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

@FredTaming

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

@kumailn

I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.

@iAmDelFreaky

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.