My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I’m about to risk it all
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
brian had himself a morning…
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?