“Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?”
“Maybe it’s time you re-evaluate your life.”
Me: [heavy sigh]
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
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Being asked if you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you’ve had steak at Applebees. You do know there’s actual steakhouses?
It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!
911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.
Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.
I don’t need a panic room; I can panic perfectly fine anywhere.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.