My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
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Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.