A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
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SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
[tree sighs in relief]
Unless you are a pregnancy test, take your negativity somewhere else.
“Don’t get any ideas.” – Worn out light bulb
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
O M G. i had to screenshot this before CNN deletes their tweet 😂😂😂
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Sharks are just dolphins who went to the military.