@randomlawless

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

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@That_Damn_Duck

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

@flashember

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

@surasshu

O M G. i had to screenshot this before CNN deletes their tweet 😂😂😂

@shashaintl

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@jonnysun

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside