@randomlawless

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

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@ComedicBust

[Commercial]

“Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?”

Me: YES

“Maybe it’s time you re-evaluate your life.”

Me: [heavy sigh]

@cloudybones

Being asked if you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you’ve had steak at Applebees. You do know there’s actual steakhouses?

@PanicRestroom

It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs

@gruffybeard

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!

911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.

@kumailn

Xmas Russian Roulette:
1. Sit next to parents.
2. Type any letter into browser on your laptop.
3. Go to the website it auto completes to.

@julezmac

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

@Darlainky

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.