You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
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Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer