@Bmangall20: My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
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@djdarrellripley: Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic! Me: You should post something on FaceBook. Him: My dog isn't on FaceBook. Me:
@WhaJoTalkinBout: [text] Neighbor: do you smell something outside? Me: it's the horses. Neighbor: it smells like marijuana. Me: they're high. high horses.
@dafloydsta: [on Dating Game] HER: Contestant 1, what are you wearing? [I glance at the stains on my shirt] ME: *lips on mic* Looks like gravy, Diane.
@dave_cactus: MUGGER: *pulls out a knife* ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits* MUGGER: Lovely.