@KWalps
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
@Bmangall20
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
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@KWalps
@WornOutMommy
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
@donttouchjames
me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems
also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened
@d_duhwit
Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
Cs: no
@stephaniemain2
Can’t stop laughing
@Shira
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
@DBMaxP
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
@onbrandbrandonn
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
@TheMichaelRock
The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.
@GeriatricBeards
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?