@ch000ch *hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
@Bmangall20 My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
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@ch000ch 
@UnFitz Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
@VisionBored1 I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse
@TarzanFeathers Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
@slimmy_shady If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
@IMBeanz When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
@climaxximus wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
@TakeItFromUsPR Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
@ShadyLadyHH I’m basically Switzerland.
I’m cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.
@BonaFideIntent HR:
Me:
HR:
Me:
HR: “..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane’s forehead…”
Me:
HR:
Me: “..it was the last twizzler”
HR:
Me:
HR:
Me: *eats twizzler*