My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks