@Bmangall20

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

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@KWalps

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

@WornOutMommy

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

@donttouchjames

me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems

also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened

@d_duhwit

Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
Cs: no

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@DBMaxP

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

@onbrandbrandonn

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

@TheMichaelRock

The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.

@GeriatricBeards

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?