My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
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I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Whoa 😂
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
The two types of wives
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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