9yo: (mouths off to me)
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
me: would not recommend
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.