My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

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[department store]

me: excuse me sir this mirror is wrong, my mom told me i was handsome


“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”


Just saw The Imitation Game & it was FILLED with historical inaccuracies about World War II. They don’t even mention Captain America at all.


when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story


“Relax. It’s not a competition.”
“Right. That’s what I say.”
“But I said it first.”


I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.


I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us


My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.


A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.


I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.