@slaughthie

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

You Might Also Like

@actualhuman01

[department store]

me: excuse me sir this mirror is wrong, my mom told me i was handsome

@sherrysworld

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

@Dschnoeb

Just saw The Imitation Game & it was FILLED with historical inaccuracies about World War II. They don’t even mention Captain America at all.

@GlennWool

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

@WillGeorgese

“Relax. It’s not a competition.”
“Right. That’s what I say.”
“But I said it first.”

@GaryJanetti

I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.

@DaddyJew

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

@HenpeckedHal

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

@Steelers1972

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

@EdgarAllanLo

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.