Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
You Might Also Like
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Is this a threat?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.