My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
who named him groot and not spruce lee
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work