After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
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9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Hour 1: Why don’t we play this more?
Hour 16: *holding bloody napkins to nose* Does it look broken?
What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.
Man: When my brother Sanctus opened his shop, he named it Sanctuary
Friend: Okay, but…
Man: My sister Esther opened her own and named it Estuary
Friend: I know, but just…
Man: So what’s the issue with my own?
Friend: That’s what I’m trying to explain Obi
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores