@AngelaEhh

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

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@Geestargames

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

@ieatanddrink

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

@EndhooS

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

@Adyaces

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

@TrondyNewman

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

@CandyEmpires

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

@EliTerry

I brought a gun that shoots knives to a gun fight. Everybody was like whoa. We didn’t even fight. Went to get nachos. Cool group of dudes.

@rolldiggity

Give a man a cat and he eats for a day. Give him too many cats, and people will be like, “Are you giving cats to that guy who eats cats?!?”