My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

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After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.


9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..


(playing Monopoly)

Hour 1: Why don’t we play this more?

Hour 16: *holding bloody napkins to nose* Does it look broken?


What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.


Man: When my brother Sanctus opened his shop, he named it Sanctuary

Friend: Okay, but…

Man: My sister Esther opened her own and named it Estuary

Friend: I know, but just…

Man: So what’s the issue with my own?

Friend: That’s what I’m trying to explain Obi


I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.


As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*


You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*


Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.


[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores