@iAmJuddy

My coworkers think it’s funny they have power & I don’t. I think it’s funny how they won’t get home to enjoy it cuz their tires are slashed.

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@shatty48

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

@Nahdude83

*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*

*punches watermelon*

“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”

*slams hands down*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”

@simoncholland

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

@Mom_Overboard

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

@chopper4jk

My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid’s these days…

@HenpeckedHal

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

@jonnysun

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

@SadFaceOtter

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

@Smug_Lemur

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.