Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My coworkers think it’s funny they have power & I don’t. I think it’s funny how they won’t get home to enjoy it cuz their tires are slashed.
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*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*
“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”
*slams hands down*
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid’s these days…
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.