What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
You Might Also Like
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him