I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
You Might Also Like
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
reviewed some movies recently
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes