@Jarhead44

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

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@RxitWounds

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

@kibblesmith

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

@ObscureGent

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

@mattmanic

How cute would it be if park rangers had tiny handcuffs for raccoons that steal campers’ food?

@ArfMeasures

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

@david8hughes

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

@imagine_vegas

If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too

@KeetPotato

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

@seamusmckracken

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

@Jake_Vig

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.