My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
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My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
called in thicc to work this morning
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.