My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
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every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Guilty! 🤪
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”