My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
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Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good