My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.


Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*


I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.


Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff


When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.


My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.


SCIENTISTS: We’ve discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities

ME: Ok wow I’m right here


You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.


“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”


Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”