@simoncholland

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

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@ashleycrem

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

@theshantilly

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

@13spencer

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

@ObscureGent

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

@sarapascoe

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

@mela_shea

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

@InternetHippo

SCIENTISTS: We’ve discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities

ME: Ok wow I’m right here

@juliussharpe

You know it’s not believable when six people rob a bank in a movie if you’ve ever tried to organize a dinner for six people.

@Hellaphantitis

“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”

@IamJackBoot

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”