Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
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me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My inexpensive home security system…
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”