My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…