@tatsabrat

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

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@Elizasoul80

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

@3sunzzz

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

@ArfMeasures

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

@UnFitz

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

@ojedge

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

@notacroc

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

@mjkspeaks

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

@MavenofHonor

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

@MiddlingMs

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…