Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
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With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.