@ahoytheboat

my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.

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@perlmutations

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

@mel_pollen

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

@simoncholland

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

@jjhartinger

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

@robfee

Worst things the parents do in Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

@bartandsoul

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

@RickAaron

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

@iGreenMonk

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@EdgarAllanLo

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

@Kyle_Lippert

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
1) Put a saddle on it
2) Get on
3) Oh god it’s destroying the village with fire
4) WHY DIDN’T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!