<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
You Might Also Like
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.