Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Solving a traffic jam
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.