My crush is getting married so I made a three teared cake

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“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”


Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.


God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.


When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.


My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life


some clown on twitter: friendly reminder that you don’t OWE your friends friendship. OR loyalty. or ANYTHING indicating that you deserve their trust

that same clown one week later: you ever feel like…. you’re not anybody’s favorite person….. and nobody ever checks on you