I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My crush is getting married so I made a three teared cake
You Might Also Like
Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal
D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full
M: that sounds like a mean trick
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Dear Microsoft, If you had called it “Bang” instead of “Bing,” you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain