EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
My crush is getting married so I made a three teared cake
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Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
some clown on twitter: friendly reminder that you don’t OWE your friends friendship. OR loyalty. or ANYTHING indicating that you deserve their trust
that same clown one week later: you ever feel like…. you’re not anybody’s favorite person….. and nobody ever checks on you