My crush is getting married so I made a three teared cake

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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.


Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal

Me: why?

D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full

M: that sounds like a mean trick


[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?


[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?


Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.


ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs


Dear Microsoft, If you had called it “Bang” instead of “Bing,” you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.


ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.


[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.