@LeonInNewJersey

My crush is getting married so I made a three teared cake

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@Cycloptomese

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

@DaddyJew

Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal

Me: why?

D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full

M: that sounds like a mean trick

@MarfSalvador

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

@squirrel74wkgn

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

@KateWhineHall

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

@aquickschnack

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

@ark506

Dear Microsoft, If you had called it “Bang” instead of “Bing,” you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.

@truegritrumble

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

@stephenjmolloy

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.