@Just_Lee_

My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.

What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?

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@joeljeffrey

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

@Eightinchgoat

My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.

@WetzelGeek

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

@sixfootcandy

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

@sucittaM

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

@Cryptoterra

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

@Smooheed

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

@MartaEffing

I know you’ve been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it’s over now. Also, you’re a donut. And I ate you.