My crush said we can’t be together because he’s seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.

You Might Also Like


The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.


GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar


I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it


[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win


My son is playing by himself in his room and he is narrating his imaginary play activities in a voice like a French Werner Herzog: “We open ze barrel of monkeys, and we find zem all dead inside. Ze worst discovery of all. Who has done zis to zeese monkeys? Who is zis monster?”


[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun


Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.


MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said


You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.