@RamblingMachine

My crush said we can’t be together because he’s seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.

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@djdarrellripley

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

@Chumpstring

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

@est1975blog

I didn’t realize how parenting had changed me until I was walking by my 7yo with an ice cream sandwich down my pants so he wouldn’t see it

@junejuly12

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

@JodiesJumpsuit

My son is playing by himself in his room and he is narrating his imaginary play activities in a voice like a French Werner Herzog: “We open ze barrel of monkeys, and we find zem all dead inside. Ze worst discovery of all. Who has done zis to zeese monkeys? Who is zis monster?”

@ChrisScarlette

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

@junejuly12

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

@fro_vo

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

@shegotagronk

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.