I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
You Might Also Like
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
me, after any kind of buffet.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction