*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My crush said we can’t be together because he’s seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.
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Me: alright early to bed
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
*Burglar breaks into my room*
*he looks around*
*he softly wakes me up*
Dude do you need some money or something? I’d be happy to help
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I am not a monster and if anyone says I am then I’ll devour their children.
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I only speak Spanish when bill collectors call