My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
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Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.