My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

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I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:

1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don’t.


[job interview]

HR: You put that you were the branch manager…

Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…


I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.


The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.


I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANYTHING. YOU ARE EVIL. I don’t want to go in the swing!! NOOOOooooo…. okay. yeah. This works. I’ll hang here. – Baby


Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*


*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings


When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.


My wife is a psycho, this tweet isn’t a joke its a cry for help.


can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.