My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

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Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.


Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.


“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*


Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.


How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?


My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.


Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.


“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza


me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.


Stop putting famous names at the end of random quotes. – bob marley