@HomeWithPeanut
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
@ThatDamnFireman
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
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@HomeWithPeanut
@Darlainky
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
@DanMentos
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
@bylinetd
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
@moose_chocolate
How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
@chrisdowning
My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.
@1Bad_Scientist
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
@TheBoydP
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
@prufrockluvsong
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
@BumpyRIde_
Stop putting famous names at the end of random quotes. – bob marley