@holypurgatory
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
@ThatDamnFireman
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
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@holypurgatory
@Try2StopME
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
@minkpinkustink
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
@cal_gif
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
@bonesher
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
@MomOnFire
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
@Kali_Mura
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
@KeetPotato
[inventing humans]
god: “they should have complete control of their tongue”
angel: “um ok”
god: “let me finish.. except when using scissors”
@BuckyIsotope
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
@BonaFideIntent
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!