@ThatDamnFireman

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

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@CountMackula

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

@shutupmikeginn

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

@Douchekevin

My GFs good traits:

Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon

Bad traits:

Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon

@Elizabazinga

[House Hunters episode]

HUSBAND: I’m a Dorito artist

WIFE: And I restore used napkins part time

HUSBAND: And our budget is 1.2mil

@K8yH8y

There’s a part of me that still loves you. I hit that part with a hammer. Stupid part.

@nice_mustard

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

@BastardProphet

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

@NotMoscona

Age 17: sneak out of the house to go to a party

Age 37: sneak out of a party to go home

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?