@ThatDamnFireman

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

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@HomeWithPeanut

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

@Darlainky

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

@DanMentos

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

@bylinetd

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

@moose_chocolate

How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

@chrisdowning

My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.

@1Bad_Scientist

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

@TheBoydP

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

@prufrockluvsong

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

@BumpyRIde_

Stop putting famous names at the end of random quotes. – bob marley