@ThatDamnFireman

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

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@Try2StopME

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

@cal_gif

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

@bonesher

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

@MomOnFire

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

@Kali_Mura

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

@KeetPotato

[inventing humans]
god: “they should have complete control of their tongue”
angel: “um ok”
god: “let me finish.. except when using scissors”

@BuckyIsotope

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

@BonaFideIntent

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!