My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
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[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
spot the difference
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free