My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
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Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
This was a bad idea all around
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.