My current diet is similar to a 9yr old who just found $20.

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Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.


amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”


When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.


me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it


Him: Come check out my church!
Him: They play rock music!
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Him: Yes…
Me: *click*


THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What


I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.