@McClaneJohn2

My current diet is similar to a 9yr old who just found $20.

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@WilliamAder

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

@radtoria

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

@weinerdog4life

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

@GrantTanaka

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

@Shock_Monster

Him: Come check out my church!
Me:
Him: They play rock music!
Me:
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Him: Yes…
Me: *click*

@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

@DowntimeDad

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.