My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.