My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
You Might Also Like
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.