My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
LA today:
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”