My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
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*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.