My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.