My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
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Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.