My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.