WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
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Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.