What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
my lower back watching me try to live my life
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.