My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
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I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
what are they serving at kfc then???
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,