my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”

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Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.


Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.


My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’


I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.


Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material


Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.


I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.

My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.


My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.


Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “


* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.