my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”

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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.


[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner


Justin Bieber on the phone. Says he “won’t be coming back to the UK in a hurry”. Well played, Great Britain. Job done.


soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah


“Morning guys”


– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses


Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes


Here it is, folks:

“Do imaginary octopi have …

(wait for it)

(wait for it)