I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
You Might Also Like
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
i made a craigslist ad !
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
5 ways to appear taller