Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”
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Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’
I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.
My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.