Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My dad called to ask if sending an email to the USA costs more. I told him a LOT more, better not risk it
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If the cup is only half full, I suggest you buy a smaller bra
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Choosing your identity when you become a politician
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I failed my Driver’s test. Driving teacher: “What do you do at a red light?” Me: “I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter.”
Me. *Throws coat over a puddle*
Her. “WTF are you doing with my coat?”
Me: “Siri, find me the nearest Starbucks”
Siri: “the addiction hotline is…”
Me: “no, I said….”
Siri: “Oh, I heard you!”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup