me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
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I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
describing stardew valley
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???