My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.