My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
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I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.