@excesstential

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

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@vulgorilla

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

@The_Duche55

My Mum said lying in bed all day accomplishes nothing.
Well look at me now, I’m saving the world!

@cravin4

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

@jordan_stratton

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

@FrenulumBreve

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

@Parentpains

Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.

@trojansauce

[me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert]

please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation