@bornmiserable

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

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@Megatronic13

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

@dubstep4dads

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

@13spencer

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

@JediGigi

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

@1MeLrO

If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink

What’s the point of them having a cell phone

@dank_dino

*judge bangs gavel on desk*
*judge cooks gavel breakfast in the morning*
*judge tell gavel he loves her*
*judge marries gavel*

@ThRealBallsDeep

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

@rockymomax

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

@WilliamAder

In a perfect world, the phrase “axe body spray” would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.

@triviastigma

us: pls chronological timelines
insta: what? insta stories?
us: nonono chronological timelines
insta: did you mean IGTV
us: NO CHRONOLOGICAL TIMELINES
insta: ohhhh you want to scroll horizontally
#instagramupdate