My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
The Others (2001)
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
as is their right
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then