Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War?
Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.
The only thing keeping me from cutting eye holes in a newspaper to spy on people in the coffee shop is my constant lack of scissors.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.