@ATTLien
ITS A NELSON MANDALA. WHO EVEN COMMITS TO A PUN LIKE THAT.
@Brampersandon_
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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@ATTLien
@tracietom
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
@PhoenixRises69
Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people.
I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.
@roxiqt
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
@pilau
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
@simoncholland
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
@Chhapiness
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
@CruisinSoozan
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
@trojansauce
KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
@mommajessiec
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.