Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Natty or not?
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask