My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
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Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons