@ComradTwitty

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

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@beccafacexo

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

@0000seapea808

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

@msevilroyslade

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

@mikeleffingwell

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

@CaptainObtuse

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

@Phook75

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine

@TheGabbieShow

i cant get a dog because it will give strangers an excuse to talk to me