Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
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Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.
Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read
Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.