@onnlystar

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

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@CelebrityChez

Day one of my soup cleanse: Feeling great!
Day two: I have robbed a Burger King and killed a zebra.

@soulindivision2

Me: Always follow the science.
Also me: Thunders comin’, I can feel it in me noggin.

@divyne_mess

Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.

@HepatitisAtoZ

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

@PhilJamesson

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

@jonnysun

“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
“please”
sit down
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read

@LambyMcSheeps

Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run

@jessehawken

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

@kumailn

When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.