Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
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bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.