@QwertyJones3

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

You Might Also Like

@ericsshadow

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

@ch000ch

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

@ibid78

My N’Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I’d regret for the rest of my life.

@daplusk

Whoever invented the forklift over estimated the weight of forks

@ThisOneSayz

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

@RodLacroix

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

@sonictyrant

Therapist: your wife has trouble understanding the way you express yourself

Me: well that’s Sheila, always the pancake on the ceiling

@IAmKatieOrr

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

@better_off_dad

All you need is love.

and groceries.
and health insurance.
and heat.
and whatnot.

@CarolineSiede

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.