@QwertyJones3

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

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@TheBoydP

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

@jonnysun

bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”

@causticbob

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

@Coolisiana

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

@antsimpson

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

@Wuttercuerk

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

@rad_milk

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

@imchip

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

@kayleighpuget

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.