My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
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[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
AM I BEING GASLIT????