@jitka

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

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@jenstatsky

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

@DanMentos

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

@ronnypascale

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

@McGunnersite

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

@lovemyboots111

“One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you….”

under a moving bus

@AmericanGent69

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

@DrakeGatsby

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

@ellewasamistake

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old