My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

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[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go



“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.


Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon


Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.


Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?


If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.


Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said “yeah right” and put em back on the shelf


If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.


Excuse me, ma’am. Your car doesn’t make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.


the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions