[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.
Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said “yeah right” and put em back on the shelf
If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.
Excuse me, ma’am. Your car doesn’t make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions