@jitka

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

You Might Also Like

@BlindChow

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

@DadandBuried

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

@KMDrunner

Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon

@Darlainky

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

@pixelatedboat

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

@Easy_Tiger__

If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.

@matt_simpson84

Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said “yeah right” and put em back on the shelf

@DanaSchwartzzz

If you pay me $50 I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Excuse me, ma’am. Your car doesn’t make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.

@iwearaonesie

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions